I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize