Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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