Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
