Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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