The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
