I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm too high and old for this...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
