I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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