im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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