He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Randomize