make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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