just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
be right there i have to get my cape
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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