God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
as a side note pls kill me
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
