I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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