my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
i believe in u and ur pee
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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