that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
