I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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