I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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