You smell like stripper and shame
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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