I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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