she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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