Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
sarcasm needs its own font
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
