OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
