I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
