Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
