I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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