This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
