I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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