you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
