Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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