Can i not drive my cunt home
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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