Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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