despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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