You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
look no pants
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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