i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
