Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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