i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
