so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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