he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
