you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
