is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
