i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
