neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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