Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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