Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
