Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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