Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
