you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
