If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
