my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
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