Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
