i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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