im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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