I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
