Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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