every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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