You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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