So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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