Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
