just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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