make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
