I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
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