he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
