Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize