Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I think I won the penis lottery.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
