I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
