I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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