we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
