Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
