im holly from the hills drunk
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize