so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
